& i don't know how i'm meant to feel anymore..

 Photos taken over Ireland.

This past December and January I was lucky enough to travel abroad to London, England & Paris, France for class.  These photos were taken from the plane on my way back to the states.  I wrote this excerpt on the six hour flight, reflecting on my time spent overseas.  These photos definitely do not do the scene justice, nor do my words, but I thought it was worth sharing.

As soon as I felt the plane was off the runway, a sadness took over me. I was not in London anymore, nor would I be for a long time. I felt as though my life was over. As the plane ascended over England, I fought back tears. Something had changed in me. A something I couldn't quite put my finger on. But I knew it was an important something. Something I never knew was in me. I wasn't too sure what had awakened this something; the places I had been, or the people I had been there with. Or maybe it was a little of both. I guess I'll never be sure, but I am sure of one thing--my life was changed.
The higher the plane got, the more I thought about it, and the bigger the lump became in the back of my throat. As I replayed my life the past two weeks, two people stood out. The connection I naturally had and expanded with these two people added to this something I never knew I had. It's funny how certain things, moments, people, can have such an effect on your life and the path you take.
The plane broke through the clouds and I don't think I'll be able to explain what I saw and felt next. The plane seemed to be floating atop a massive blanket of clouds--they spread to the horizon line where the grey fluffly mass met the setting sun. The lump in my throat began to diminish as I gazed at the swirling, vibrant colors of greys and oranges. It was truly beautiful. It was at this moment, half way into Ireland, that I realized my life wasn't ending, but it was only just beginning. We were racing the sun. I was flying through a day ending, but visible in the distant horizon was a day beginning. This is the path my life was now taking. Overwhelmed and mesmerized, I watched as the grey sky slowly swallowed the fire orange hue emitting from the setting sun. The sun had a good lead, but not for long. Maybe not today, but one day, I will reach the sun. Then again, I already felt like I had...maybe I was the one in the lead. Until I know for sure, I'm just going to keep my eye on the horizon.
--rae.

i'd love the change should something strange begin..

Photo of Maxine Ament.

"i give myself very good advice but i very seldom follow it..that explains the trouble that i'm always in. be patient is very good advice..but the waiting makes me curious & i'd love the change should something strange begin."--alice in wonderland.

Lately my life has felt simultaneously static yet out of control.  Unsure of where I will take myself in life--& eventually where my life will take me--I feel as though I am stuck in quicksand, struggling to figure out my next move but unable to get there.  I love this photo & thought this quote from Alice in Wonderland described it perfectly, as I feel this quote describes my current situation perfectly.  As the summer winds down & I feel the autumn breeze on my skin, I find myself reflecting on my life these past sweltering four months.  I've loved (hard) & lost (even harder)..I've made some questionable decisions (er..mistakes) & am still trying to bounce back from them..I've been on the never-ending quest for a good job (or purpose, for a better choice of words), coming up empty handed & out of luck.  I am literally stuck in a rut.  However, as immobile as I feel, I watch my life spiral out of control on a daily basis.  This could definitely be due to an overabundance of 4lokos & cigarettes, but I'd rather just blame myself.  Every night, while I apply a perfect coat of blush, mascara & lip gloss, I look @ the person staring back @ me.  Put together well on the outside, but a disaster of all sorts on the inside.  Every decision I have made, up to this point in my life, effects me more than I could have ever realized.  I am my own biggest critic & @ the end of the day, every decision I make is my own.  I definitely know right from wrong--& abuse from healthy--so why I continue traveling down the "wrong path" is a question I haven't yet been able to answer.  Maybe I'm bored & these things I do make my life a little more (or less) interesting.  Maybe I'm too curious for my own good..curiosity kill the cat--or the confused, rebellious girl.  Maybe I just need a change..a BIG change (w/a little direction)..because I would love the change should something strange begin.   
--rae.