i'd love the change should something strange begin..

Photo of Maxine Ament.

"i give myself very good advice but i very seldom follow it..that explains the trouble that i'm always in. be patient is very good advice..but the waiting makes me curious & i'd love the change should something strange begin."--alice in wonderland.

Lately my life has felt simultaneously static yet out of control.  Unsure of where I will take myself in life--& eventually where my life will take me--I feel as though I am stuck in quicksand, struggling to figure out my next move but unable to get there.  I love this photo & thought this quote from Alice in Wonderland described it perfectly, as I feel this quote describes my current situation perfectly.  As the summer winds down & I feel the autumn breeze on my skin, I find myself reflecting on my life these past sweltering four months.  I've loved (hard) & lost (even harder)..I've made some questionable decisions (er..mistakes) & am still trying to bounce back from them..I've been on the never-ending quest for a good job (or purpose, for a better choice of words), coming up empty handed & out of luck.  I am literally stuck in a rut.  However, as immobile as I feel, I watch my life spiral out of control on a daily basis.  This could definitely be due to an overabundance of 4lokos & cigarettes, but I'd rather just blame myself.  Every night, while I apply a perfect coat of blush, mascara & lip gloss, I look @ the person staring back @ me.  Put together well on the outside, but a disaster of all sorts on the inside.  Every decision I have made, up to this point in my life, effects me more than I could have ever realized.  I am my own biggest critic & @ the end of the day, every decision I make is my own.  I definitely know right from wrong--& abuse from healthy--so why I continue traveling down the "wrong path" is a question I haven't yet been able to answer.  Maybe I'm bored & these things I do make my life a little more (or less) interesting.  Maybe I'm too curious for my own good..curiosity kill the cat--or the confused, rebellious girl.  Maybe I just need a change..a BIG change (w/a little direction)..because I would love the change should something strange begin.   
--rae.